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3 posts
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When you’re worth more dead than alive

rollee started this conversation
Dec 29, 2007

I understand how my brother felt the night he died. Having nowhere to go and all your options exhausted. You feel the suffocation brought about by desperation. I will never condone what he had. He pulled the whole family into the mess that he created. If he only had the courage to admit to what he had done…there could have been a way out without his life being lost. If only.

 

I understand what he felt because I feel the pressure of facing the problems that he left. Sometimes my mind wanders into scenarios and options that normally I will never have considered. But then you realize, you are now worth more dead than alive. Who in their right mind will help you without getting something in return? I have offered our home as collateral so that we can survive as a family. Although it will take time, it is a secured loan.

 

However, until now no one has shown interest. What else do we have?  

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GracefulMess
Dec 23, 2008

Dear Rolle,

  I DO know what it's like to live with depression.  I am all too well aquainted with not wanting to wake up the next day.  With feeling disappointment at opening your eyes on a sunny afternoon.  Unfortunately, my life just sucks like that. 

  However, the ONLY reason I've not "relieved myself of suffering" is because I'm sure that suicide is not a legitimate excuse.  Everything happens for a reason, to teach us lessons.  I just assume I was Hitler in a past life, at this point, and continue carrying on being the best person I can despite everything.  Because I only think, damn, if it's this hard now while I've done nothing but be a nice and beautiful person my whole life, I can just imagine what kind of difficulties I'd run into on the other side of that back-door.

  I am sorry that I can't solve your problems.  I have STACK LOADS of them myself (a levy on my account at the moment and a tooth that is abcessed with no money, no insurance, nothing but pain and fear...).  I am sorry that you are hurting and scared.  I CAN offer you support and understanding though.  Also I will urge you to seek some psychotherapy.  Learning about depression from a professional, being able to recognize what's "normal" reaction and what is part of the chemical tidal-wave...sometimes we need a prescription to stop the drowning.  Anyway, I did it, the therapy thing, for years.  I was not able to find the magickal solution, my life still BLOWS, I still WISH I didn't wake up...BUT, I am not DROWNING every minute of each day.  I have had bouts of happiness.  Something that was just not possible when I was in a major depressive episode (pretty much how I spent the first 20 years of my life).  Things CAN get better, I'm not saying that they will, but if you keep yourself healthy, it is possible.  That's what I want to give you.  Hope.  That no matter WHAT HAPPENS, things CAN get better.  You can feel better.  But only if you make sure you don't get so chemically addicted to the depression.  So, LIS, if you have to, seek help at a mental health clinic.  For surely you will do no good for anyone as a zombie.

  I wish you the Light to go through Life with Love...and may it bless you.

      

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Living in Oblivion
Dec 23, 2008

I have made sure that my family won't inherit my mistakes.  It's amazing that the inablility to consolidate 65,000 in debt to a longer term so I can make the payments is making another possibilty viable.  I've exhausted every other possibility and now I think about how to fix it every day.  Every day I consider ending my life as a way to protect my family.  So yes I know how you feel.  I know the dark place that your are living in and I wish more than you know that I had some hope to offer.  Good luck to you.

reply to Living in Oblivion